Mijo Takes a Break

 

I remember having a cold wet feeling on my legs for days before my MSSW Orientation. It was hot, muggy, and August in Knoxville. I was constantly checking if my pants were soaked or if I spilled something on my legs. I was nervous, delusional, and not able to sleep leading up to the orientation. I never thought graduate school was a possibility for me. And there I was in the country’s best sports town entering the program I dreamed about on the road to MSSW and optimistically to LMSW. It felt surreal. Orientation came and went. I was left with swag from the College of Social Work and ecstatic to be a Vol.

Two years later, I would decide to take a leave of absence to have a surgery I’ve been postponing. I learned in graduate school that my body is not as resilient as it was twenty years ago in my undergraduate pursuit or as resilient as it was twelve years ago when I joined the Coast Guard. These past two years, I found myself frequently ill with irritations like strep throat, ear infections, migraines, and issues with my prostate that still need to be diagnosed (I am dreading the diagnostic exams). However, I also found lots of successes in the past two years through my studies at the University of Tennessee. I was hired as a research assistant in the Center of Behavioral Health, I was hired at my practicum as medical case manager/social worker, and I stayed in good standing. In the long run, I left both jobs and made my return to behavioral health where I was quickly promoted. Behavioral health has been my passion since I graduated with my undergraduate degree and reason for pursuing higher education. To quote Charles Bukowski’s poem, The Crunch, “our educational system tells us that we can all be big-ass winners. It hasn’t told us about the gutters or the suicides. Or the terror of one person aching in one place alone untouched unspoken to.” There are people that need interventions that can only be provided by people taught in post-secondary education institutions like graduate school. This is why I am pursuing my masters, I get a kick out learning what I do in the classroom and doing what I do outside the classroom. I will take this leave of absence to have my surgery (fix my loose screws, I literally have loose screws in my jaws that need to be extracted) and recharge because at forty I am not as resilient as I was the day before yesterday.

San Angelo

I lost my mind in San Angelo,  

On the way to Corpus Christi, 

My only shot to get back on my feet. 

At the light,

The rig never saw me, 

In the gray haze, 

With no chance to move,

I am hit! 

I just lost my way!

I cannot make a fist! 

My car is shaking! 

My eyes beckon for help!

Man, I really need to get there,

So, I collect my thoughts, 

Take a deep breath, and 

Keep driving. 

 

A Silver Lining

After three job changes, dropping a class the first week, and a depleted bank account, my Spring Semester 2025 is finally over, and it felt middling throughout. This was my fourth semester in graduate school. I do not know if it was drowsiness or the increase of serotonin in my brain, but I did not have my usual pedal to the metal mentality with sporadic distraught this semester. Diligently, I am still in search of the perfect approach to graduate school. I left my non-profit job (bilingual case manager) of three years for an employment-based practicum (part-time hospital case manager) only to leave that job for my return to mental health (Health Link case manager) within the semester. Shockingly, working less hours did not benefit me at all, my sleep increased to unproductive exuberance, and my finances severely decreased. Even though I found myself penniless during the semester there was a silver lining, I found my way back to full-time employment in an organization that provides mental health services and substance abuse treatment. And this is what I have wanted to do since I moved to Tennessee four years ago. Working in mental health is what I have done the most in my career and have enjoyed the best.

So on to next semester! If I recoup my pennies on time.

Like An Old Friend

I am midway through Spring Semester 2025, and I feel like I have just woken up from a lucid dream. I am forty, jaded, and disillusioned. I had a tough time adjusting to the changes this semester. Fortunately, it is only the midway point through the semester. Working part-time was not a clever idea. Therefore, I am leaving my part-time job in healthcare for a full-time job in behavioral health (you’re like an old friend come and see again - Rancid). I have been wanting to return to the behavioral health field since I left Texas and now, I have that opportunity. My plan at the beginning of this semester was to work part-time and go to school full-time but that plan diminished like my account balance, so I had to pivot. Just some more challenges for a forty-year-old graduate student. I do not know if it is because I am in my forties, but my priorities have changed. I feel the necessity to take responsibility for my physical and mental health. Medical screenings and due dates are instinctively written in my planner. SSRIs have replaced alcohol, therapists have replaced bartenders, and implementing regular exercise and a DASH diet to combat cardiovascular health has become my new personal legend. Moreover, I started my search for camaraderie. I have not been able to foster the ability to create new friends in my forties and more since I moved from my hometown. I am learning that relationships are important, there are times to need to speak to someone other than your wife. Overall, I am excited about the unknown. I start my new job in a few weeks. And I have the sunshine and spring to look forward to. Like always, I will keep looking for what is golden and eternal.

Winter Break Thus Far

Winter Break Thus Far

My winter break started earlier than listed on the university academic calendar, for which I am grateful. All my major assignments were due before Thanksgiving break which gave me the opportunity to spend more time with my visiting father-in-law and brother-in-law instead of homework. It is always great times when my wife and I have family over which is rarely since we moved to Tennessee. Around mid-December, I officially received my final grades, and I am proud to say that I survived my third semester in graduate school. Each semester has its own challenges, this semester it was juggling my time with work, school, and internship. Miraculously, at the end of the semester I was offered a job at my internship and which I accepted. I am thankful, determined, and jaded about the opportunity but the job has been challenging. Luckily, I am on winter break, so I have time to recalibrate my approach over and over to my new job and rejuvenate from the stressors of school. Enjoyable occurrences thus far that I would like to share include, I finished reading Blackouts by Justin Torres and watched A Complete Unknown at the movie theater, (I grew up a big Bob Dylan fan, you wonder how? I’ll tell you, when I was in high school, my uncle moved out of parent’s house, he canceled his cable account but the cable was never cut, so I figured out if you connect the cable to the VCR and TV, you get some additional channels like VH1, and on one particular day, VH1 was counting down the greatest rock and roll songs, number one on their list was Like a Rolling Stone by Bob Dylan, I don’t know if I was more intrigued by the organ or lyrics but I became a fan, Dylan’s lyrics and word play stuck to me which caused a lot of confusion in the future to my English teachers). Other eventful events this break have included my 10^th year wedding anniversary, 40^th birthday, and Christmas (I got more University of Tennessee stuff) thus far. One upcoming event I have is my six-month follow-up with my Primary Care in January which I am dreading because according to the last few check-ups I have been neglecting my health, well-being, self-care, etc... During graduate school. All I can do is keep working on my goals at every present moment, self-care tends to my toughest. I leave you with a George Strait lyric, “there’s a difference in living and living well.”  

Happy 40th Birthday!

My 40^th birthday has come and gone. Even though I am now forty, I will always feel as young as I was when I met my wife at 23. So, I do not feel forty like Steve Carrell in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. But as time passes by and everyone grows older around me, I cannot help thinking about mortality. In the last year and half, I have felt the impact graduate school has had on my health; it is nothing like my undergrad. Furthermore, working as a case worker in a Level I Trauma Center I have encountered patients dealing with death on every workday. Death and grief will always be a tiring process, and it will continue to be life’s great mystery that may transpire from heart disease, cerebrovascular disease, suicide, or a car accident. Subsequently, in my forty years, I learned to keep pace simple or try my best to do so because life is like a race with an unknown finish. During the race, I must tell myself it is okay to walk, run, or take a break to catch my breath. I leave you with this short poem I wrote on my birthday.

Forty years of washed-out colors and graveyards

Sharp smells of freshly cut green grass

Joys of walking on water at dawn

Shredding tears with every sunset and twilight

Enjoying my time before I wake up.

 

 

Definitely!

Definitely!

I finished all my assignments for my third semester in the MSSW Program at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville. Now, I wait for my final grades, more like one final grade in one class because I know I passed my two others. And thus far, this was my most challenging semester, and repeatedly asked myself the last three months why do I do this to myself. This fall semester, I enrolled in three classes, worked at my full-time job, and started my sixteen hours a week practicum. Moreover, this semester I deprived myself of sleep and ran on a steady diet of caffeine, sugar, refined carbs, and fat (I love donuts), and followed a strict exercise regimen of sitting on chairs and typing on keyboards. But on the bright side, I accepted an employment-based practicum towards the end of the semester. I traded my full-time job for a part-time job. I know this does not make sense. Why go from broke to broker? If you felt what I did this semester, you would understand. I jumped at the chance of having more study time. Being a first-generation graduate student and coming from a Hispanic family, gauging the challenges workings towards higher education are unfamiliar. It is more difficult to understand the reason for pursuing a graduate degree when I can be working and making more money and living comfortably (eight hours of sleep a night). Enrolling in graduate school sounds irrational. So, why pursue a graduate degree? Because I have this sense of community and guilt. I have an opportunity to attend college and address systematic inequalities encountered by my family, peers, and community. It was an opportunity that my friends and family would not want me to pass up. Has the stress so far been worth it? Definitely!